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So I’m driving home from my BIL’s house on a highway near me and got behind a truck hauling some earth moving machinery and that always makes me nervous because you should never trust anyone to secure their loads well enough and I didn’t want to be behind him if that thing slipped off its bed and landed in my face so I got in the passing lane to scoot around him and sped up enough to get back in the right lane ahead of my exit home except I didn’t go fast enough and couldn’t find a space to move over so I missed my exit and that’s when I decided to just keep driving to the next exit where I could get off and stop at a Shammy Shine to get my car washed and so when I got there, I paid at the drive-up kiosk and got in line for the wash and was so proud of myself that I followed the directions of the guy at the start of the wash queue well enough to get my wheels aligned on the track thingy and you should consider yourself skilled if you can do that in one shot, but while I was patting myself on the back for getting my wheels in place and I was all set to put my window up so I don’t get wet and prepared my iPhone to film going through the car wash because that’s so fun, that’s when I made the mistake of putting the car in park instead of neutral and the guy screamed at me “Neutral! Put it in neutral” and I thought “OK, mister. I have all this stuff to do making sure I don’t get wet and all, and now you’re yelling at me to put the car in neutral and I meant to do that, swear to God, but I forgot and geez, man, who the hell ever puts their car in neutral gear for anything except car washes and give me a second here and cut me some slack, jack!

Here, have a soothing video of my car wash. It was hell getting it.

One of the problems with buying an ice cream cone in the middle of a hazy, hot, and humid summer is melt speed.

Get a large cone and you’re forced to inhale it to minimize the inevitable dribble-down-the-hand mess, but you risk brain freeze eating too fast.

Plus, when you suck down ice cream the ability to savor the flavor is diminished by 79.4% according to a study in the Journal of I Made That Shit Up.

Sure, you could order your soft serve in a cup, but what fun is that? It’s not. You twist-cone your soft serve. You cup-pack your hard scoop. It’s the law.

What you might do to mitigate the lick-to-melt race is downgrade to a regular cone and be satisfied with that. But what if you wanted more than a regular?

This is what you do:

Your husband drives you to Rita’s and you order a regular-sized cone and tear in. Mere blocks away, he notices that you’re almost down to the cone already and there’s another Rita’s nearby.

He says “Kath. You’re making good progress on that. Do you want another?”

“Yes. Yes, I do. Next Rita’s, please.”

In the time it takes to get to Rita’s #2 you’ve just polished off the bottom tip of the cone, you know, that part – the best part – that serves as a handy reservoir for all the melty goodness that collected at the bottom. That last crunch is the delicious period on your ice cream sentence.

You pull into Rita’s #2, get out, order a second regular twist on a waffle cone, pay, and dig in again.

A mile out, you begin to realize the error of your ways.

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2. You don’t want to finish Part II of the Twist Plan because you’re not a garbage disposal and your waistline wants no part of those unwanted calories. Your driver rejects them, too.

So now what?

This is what you do:

You ask your husband to pull over at the next out-of-the-way place so that you can dispose of .5 of a regular ice cream cone.

“Where?” he asks.

“Over there. The cemetery.”

“Really?”

“Yep.”

You pull aside and scooch up close to the grass. You lower the window. You stick your arm out and with one flick of a wrist the cone contents come flying out  – TTHHWWIIIIPPP! – and into the grass, where ants within a ten foot radius can’t believe their good fortune that the sky delivered them ice cream like a screaming meteor and plopped it at their feet.

Ahhhhh! Much better.

You’re now left with just the cone, coated in a bit of residual ice cream, in all its crunchy goodness, with only enough calories you consider reasonable to eat.

Yes, I will still order soft-serve in scorching heat. No, I will not get it in a cup. Yes, I know that’s easier, but it’s just 免费高匿伕理ip地址. Summers are for twisties and sprinkles and improving melt management skills. This 50-something kid still has a lot to learn.

So today I poked myself in the eye with the corner of some tri-folded paper towels that I reached up to grab off a shelf when I needed to wipe my mouth after brushing my teeth over the trash can in my office because I was too lazy to walk to the ladies room and do it there. It freaking hurt and then I had to go to a meeting and explain why I appeared to have been crying, but only out of my left eye. At least I smelled minty fresh.

Why didn’t I want to walk to the ladies room?

Because it’s like a quarter mile from my new office. I had easier access to the restrooms at my old office, which is being turned into study space for students in the library where I work.

The good thing is that I earn extra steps when I use the new rest room, but it’s totally inconvenient when I have somewhere to be in a hurry, like today.

BUT!

I just found out yesterday that I can walk through the fire door next to my office that leads to a stairwell that leads to another rest room just above my office.

I have been assured that the sign that reads “Do not enter. Alarm will sound” is false. It’s only there to keep students from accessing the stairs.

I even watched the building manager walk through the door today and it did not sound.

BUT!

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BUT!

One time I used my master keys in a building I used to work in to let myself into an office that I didn’t know was alarmed.

It sounded.

And it sounded loudly throughout the whole building and I had to wait in a state of terrible embarrassment until the campus police came and turned it off.

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The nearby bathrooms will have to remain a off limits to me.

I haven’t blogged in a long time, but in case you were wondering …. yes, it’s still exhausting being me.

The End.

When I was in my mid-20s, I lived in an apartment that had its fair share of problems: green shag carpeting, pitiful air conditioning, and a laundry room buried in a dark and scary basement next to the boiler system that ran so loud you wouldn’t hear if a murderer walked in to kill you until it was too late.

But I lived close to work and shopping, and the rent was dirt cheap. Despite the chance of being killed and no one finding my body until they had to do laundry, I couldn’t complain.

Until the summer of the thousand leggers.

Circa 1987 my apartment suffered an infestation of thousand leggers, known to entomologists as the Scutigera coleoptrata. They’re like tiny hair pieces that can move at cheetah speed.

That summer, I would find five or six of them every day in various places: on walls, in the shower, and inside appliances. No place was off-limits.

I feared I’d start finding them nuzzled up in bed with me, just waiting for me to fall asleep so they could crawl into my ear and burrow through my brain.

For the ones that were on the walls and stayed still, I’d grab a can of what had become my “go to” for instant bug death – Aqua Net hair spray. I chose this over bug spray because it wasn’t toxic to me and one long blast of it caused Scutigera coleoptrata to shrivel up and die within seconds.

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They didn’t hold up the agreement.

I recall coming home from class one night, unlocking my apartment door, and reaching inside the hallway to turn on a light.

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Bumpy.

Hairy.

And it moved.

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I dropped my books and my purse, went screaming through the apartment looking for my Aqua Net, and prayed I’d find it in time for our agreed-upon merciful death.

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I slept with the Aqua Net.

Another day, when I pulled down the door to empty the dishwasher one fell out. On. To. My. Bare. Foot.

Primal Scream is the name of a British indie rock band from the early 80s. It’s also the sound I made when this thing landed on me. Not only did I make a sound I didn’t know I was capable of, but I jumped up and down so loudly that my downstairs neighbor came up to see about the hubbub.

“A thousand legger got me,” I said.

“I’m sorry,” said she.

We shared a moment of exasperation, then I shut the door and began a recon session, Aqua Net in hand.

Spot, spray, die. Spot, spray, die. Spot, spray, die.

This went on the rest of the summer and luckily the infestation lasted only that year.

A few years later we had bees and by then I decided enough was enough. An elderly neighbor had them too, and I learned she was allergic to bee stings. Our apartment didn’t allow pets, but she’d been grandfathered in before the new policy was enacted and didn’t want to make waves with apartment management by complaining.

I had nothing to lose, so I called the Health Department.

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Because I just saw a tiny thousand legger crawl across my kitchen floor.

They’re here.

But I let it live because someone posted on Facebook yesterday that Scutigera coleoptrata are super good at eating other insects and you want them in your house.

Lucky bastard. I just gave you merciful life.

Carry on.